Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just pee around me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
