The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Are we still banned from the library?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
