I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
