i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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