You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
