He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i drank out of a bidet.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
This baby is an asshole
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
