He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
