talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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