Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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