I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
