Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
COCAINE IS GR8
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
