finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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