She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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