I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
