i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
