dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
