My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
