Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
