apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
