She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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