Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
