I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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