He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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