Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
