You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
