It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
