is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
