Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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