I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
