he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
