my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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