Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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