the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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