I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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