do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
