I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
wow bdsm is so cute
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
