just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
