So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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