Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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