about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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