I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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