Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
