We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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