I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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