Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
