is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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