Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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