my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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