omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
