Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
